Appreciation

I've heard mixed opinions regarding whether or not a spanking is equally beneficial to both the Top and the bottom. In other words, if a spankee receives a spanking from her Top, should she then return the favor somehow, to show her appreciation?

I can see both sides. Spanking does tend to be a little one sided. The Spanker is the one taking control, doing the spanking, giving the lecture, being caring and supportive with the aftercare. It's a lot of work! Meanwhile, the spankee does what is asked of her (in some cases), maybe struggles, gives in, feels the release, gives over her trust to the one spanking her. It may seem like she's getting the better deal. But then again, those who enjoy giving spankings crave giving that support and receiving that trust just as much as we spankees enjoy it the other way, don't they?

I do like to show my appreciation to those who have given me so much, spanked me in just the way I needed it, and were there for me afterwards. I really don't mind showing this verbally, or giving them a back rub or back scratch (Spankers I have encountered really freakin' love their back scratches. Anyone else notice that?). I do this of my own accord, and because I feel close to them and genuinely appreciate what they've done for me. That being said, I do not like the feeling of obligation that may come with that. It somewhat cheapens the experience for me if I am expected to give something in return for receiving a spanking. I think that both parties are able to get something out of TTWD, and maybe we can just leave it at that. :-)

What do you think? When is it necessary to show your appreciation for your Spanker, or for your spankee? Do both people in the dynamic benefit equally, albeit in different ways?

And speaking of appreciation, I really do value those of you who choose to keep coming back to read my blog, and comment. You guys are my motivation to keep posting. :-)

Spanking Shoots and Wisdom Teeth. . . What?

Yes, they're totally unrelated, except when describing my last week! I had the pleasure of shooting with AEG studios for my second spanking shoot this last Wednesday, and it was a blast. There was a last minute cancellation of the Spanker I was going to film with, and so the amazing Danny Chrighton got to fill in. We had a great time doing some schoolgirl scenes followed by an intense real discipline scene in which our chemistry really shows. I'm excited for that one to come out. :-)

Until then, though, another clip of mine was released today on RealSpankings. It is from my very first shoot, and is a hard belting given to me by Mr. Masterson. This is a great clip because angles of both my face and bottom are shown as I receive the strokes. Go check it out!
As fun as the shoot was, I had to go get my wisdom teeth extracted the following day. I have been loopy on pain killers since then. I guess it's not ALWAYS fun to have your cheeks sore and swollen. Ah well. I should be feeling better soon. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Disappointment

It's one of the worst feelings. In the spanking world, it often comes into play as the reason behind a spanking, and catalyzes feelings of remorse and guilt for a submissive spankee. There is another type of disappointment that I have struggled with, though, that is even more difficult to deal with. It's the letdown of expectations; the knowledge that I will not be getting a promised spanking.

Any spankee out there can probably relate to the fact that it is sometimes really hard to ask for a spanking. I mean, I'm a spanko. Anyone with access to this information knows that I enjoy getting spanked. Part of the mindset for me, though, involves the Spanker initiating said spanking. When he is in complete control, I can find comfort in that. In fact, I find so much comfort in that that a promised spanking is very exciting to me, and something I think about somewhat obsessively until it happens. There are feelings of nervous anticipation (How hard will it be? Will I cry? I hope he doesn't use the wooden paddle) mixed with the excitement and security of knowing I will soon be melting into the intense pain and getting that release that comes with it. All of this builds up in my head to the point where I am prepared for it to happen, and on some level, kind of need it to happen in order to be satisfied.

If the spanking is then called off, that security turns to insecurity (Why doesn't he want to spank me anymore? Did I do something?). Don't get me wrong, I realize this is very irrational at times. Often, a spanking is called off because the Spanker is not feeling well, is exhausted, has something pressing to do, or simply forgot a trivial threat which I took more seriously. It doesn't matter; it is still a form of sub drop for me. Maybe because I crave the attention of a good spanking. The caring tone, the aftercare, the fuzzy feeling of being loved and looked after. I imagine all of that and then it vanishes just as quickly.

This post is a bit of a downer, I suppose, and this has not even happened to me very recently. But it's all part of my curiosity as I explore the spanking world more and more. If you're a spankee, have you experienced the disappointment of not receiving a spanking? How have you dealt with it? Is it safest not to have any expectations? And if you're a Spanker, do you ever notice this in your spankee? Is there a similar disappointment felt on the other side of things? Inquiring minds would like to know. :-)

**EDIT**This post is simply a topic for discussion and not a crisis occurring in my life. I've been receiving a few concerned messages. I am just fine. :-)

Punishment from Uncle Eric

Warning: lengthy post! But you should read it all anyway. :-)

In the spanko and kink community, I often hear about those who have stellar reputations as being the ones to play with; the Dominants or Tops who have flawless technique and the ability to take you to those special places. Uncle Eric was a name I had heard early on, and after observing several of his scenes, I made it my mission to set a play date with him.

It wasn't easy. Our schedules kept clashing, and he is a busy man, flying out to participate in several shoots and events. Finally, after several email and phone exchanges, we were able to set a time and place. It was perfect timing, too, as work obligations meant he was moving to the East Coast in just a few days. This was my chance!

He had told me in our earlier conversations that I was to make a list of transgressions that I felt I should be punished for before we met. Since the scene was scheduled fairly last minute, though, I had not completed the task, and in the car before getting out to meet him, I quickly scribbled down some of my misdemeanors onto a sticky note. At the top, I wrote, “Forgetting to make this list.” :-)

Our scene took place at a house party, and since it was his last event before moving, he had another naughty lady to punish alongside me. Right from the start, I got exactly what I wanted and needed from Uncle Eric. He could read me very well. Right away, he placed me over his knee and began with a hard hand spanking.

“Does this feel like a warm-up?”

“No, Sir!”

“That's right. There are no warm-ups during a punishment.”

I was then pushed roughly over the bed, where Uncle Eric skillfully applied a leather strap, cane, belt, and wooden paddle, one after the other. It was so very painful, but I was in bliss the entire time. Every stroke was perfectly placed, and I was pushed just far enough. He has this very interesting method of caning where he would place his hand on my lower back and rock my bottom back and forth while bringing the cane down with his other hand. Very cool feeling. About half way through, he noticed I was getting a little turned on (um...yeah!) and pulled me back over his knee, placing me so that I was straddling his leg. While he hairbrushed me, he would bounce his knee up and down in just the right spot. Mmm, so nice. What a gentleman. :-)

The grand finale to the punishment came and Uncle Eric led me to the bathroom, where I bent over the side of the bathtub to receive 24 strokes with the heavy bath brush. On a wet bottom, no less! Those stung more than everything else put together, and I struggled my way through them, screaming out each number as the brush landed. When it was over, I stood up on wobbly legs, savoring the wonderful, fuzzy head space. When Uncle Eric asked if I had anything to say to him, all I could utter was a weak, “Thank you, Sir.” He smiled and said, “I was looking for 'I'm sorry, Sir', but you're welcome.” I really meant it, though. It was just what the doctor ordered for this spank-happy girl. :-)

Trip to Oregon!

This past weekend I took a mini vacation with my sister to visit a friend in Portland, Oregon. It was the first time I'd ever been there, and I had a great time escaping the world of working boredom, if only for a short while. Here is what I have noticed about myself lately: when given the choice between vanilla or kinky activities on the weekend, I tend to choose the kinky activity. Strange, I know. But I have come to value the careful balance that I need to bring into my life a bit more. Spending some quality time with my friend and sister was very cathartic and reviving, not to mention the fun I always have getting to see new places. Not that Oregon is completely without kink. As we were standing in line to get breakfast one morning, I saw this poster on the building, advertising a fetish party being held that weekend:
Some of the highlights were touring a beautiful Japanese garden, followed by an amazing rose garden that was home to literally thousands of blooming roses. It smelled heavenly, and I found myself thinking it would be a wonderful place to take some red bottom pictures (at another time, of course), right up next to the rows of red, thorny flowers.
We also toured Powell's, a famously large bookstore which was very difficult to leave, especially for a book-loving English major such as myself. I also got to eat a ton of delicious, local food, although it wasn't the healthiest. One restaurant prided itself on having six different varieties of one of my favorite guilty pleasures: mac and cheese! Mmm, SO good. They even wrapped up our leftovers with tin foil made into different animal shapes. Looks like I'll need to start that exercise routine again today. Ugh.
So now that my wonderful vanilla vacation has come to an end. . . I really, really need a good spanking. Yet here I am in my apartment all by my lonesome. :-( Looks like I'll need to visit Danny very soon. Oh! I have also officially booked my room in Vegas for Shadowlane! Yay! If any of you are going, please drop me a line (or email) so that I can be sure and recognize you there. :-)

Spanking Shoot Saga- Part 2

Following the first scene, Michael asked me which implement I would like to have used on me for the second shoot. I told him I was a big fan of the belt. So, it was decided, and Betty took me back to the changing room for me to change out of my sun dress and into some black jeans and a red tank top. Coming back on set, I bent over the desk for a quick and hard belting from Mr. Masterson. Something I noticed quickly is that the scenes go very fast, and for all of the preparation, lighting, camera adjustment, etc, the actual scene is a breeze. I also noticed a difference in my pain tolerance. I could tell that the belt strokes were close to full force, yet I did not feel much pain. It's the endorphins. I knew I was on camera and was so focused on making it through the scene that the pain was really on the backburner (pun intended). :-)

The third scene was for the Institute, and I walked with Betty back to the room where they keep costumes/schoolgirl uniforms, etc, so that I could get fitted for mine. On the way back to the set, I stopped in the bathroom and looked at my bare bottom in the mirror (I always love doing this). It was reddened and slightly marked from the belt, but I was already ready to amp it up. I let Michael know that I was okay with a caning on the bare for the last scene, and he was happy to oblige. Here's one more thing I noticed. The headspace is much different during an on-camera spanking. I felt much more business-like, trying to be sure I reacted in a good way, moved the hair out of my face, paid attention to positioning. When I'm being spanked in private, I can thrash about all I'd like, plead with my Spanker, etc. This was different.

Don't get me wrong, I still had a lot of fun and enjoyed knowing that others would be watching me. But it is more of a formal environment. At one point, before the caning while Michael was scolding me, a phone went off somewhere in the studio, and we had to stop and start again a few minutes later. It is a business, after all, and not all of the models enjoy the spanking and head space as much as I do. :-) And one more thing. During that last scene, as I was dressing in my school uniform, I had the hardest time pulling up the knee socks that Betty gave me. My feet were a bit sweaty from the nerves, and the socks were very tight fitting. I kept my cool, but I found myself laughing as I watched the video later and saw Betty's impatient, yet slightly amused expression!

It was a great experience over all, though, and I've enjoyed hearing the feedback from the members and viewers. I will be shooting with them at the end of this month, and look forward to it!

Spanking Shoot Saga- Part 1

I felt a mixture of nerves and stifled exhilaration as I knocked on the door to the AEG studio for my first shoot. With me, I had brought a bag of several different outfits, just to be sure I was prepared. I had some idea of what to expect, of course, because I had accompanied Danny to his shoot a few weeks earlier to observe and have my interview. It was different now, though. I had watched the models get briefed on what the scene was about, stand in position, get spanked in front of God-knows how many viewers while I sat off to the side and vicariously felt their pain.I was about to be in their position.

It was my turn!

I knew a few things about myself that calmed me. For instance, I knew I could take a hard spanking. But that had always been in private, or in front of a select few friends at the local club. I also knew that I loved talking about my spanko-hood, and how it came to be. But never had I done so with two cameras and three people staring at me, sweltering lights and all. So I found myself a little uneasy when Betty answered the door and invited me inside to fill out my paperwork.

Luckily, I was quickly made to feel more at ease. They do a very good job of that there. Michael Masterson came in shortly after I was through signing papers, and we sat and discussed what he would be asking me during the interview, what I should expect, if I had any questions, etc. By this point, I was getting excited. I felt the exhibitionist in me surface as I thought about the experiences I wanted to share, and thought about the spankings ahead. I was given a quick tour of the studio, shown where I could change my clothes, the different sets, where the bathroom and snack room were. Then we were ready to go.

The shoot started with me sitting in a chair and getting interviewed by Michael. This was the part I was most nervous about. While I certainly feel comfortable getting a good spanking, I had a little stage fright about the talking part. As the interview progressed, however, I forgot about the camera a little more and was able to talk about one of my favorite subjects quite easily. :-) By the end of that take, I had gotten naked, talked for a while, and gotten an introductory hand spanking from Betty. Turning off the camera, the camera-man looked over at Michael and commented on how well it went. My head grew a few sizes and I was ready to jump into the next scene.

To be continued!

Also, I wanted to thank Clare Fonda for giving me a mention on her blog. She is definitely someone I greatly respect in the industry, and I cannot wait to meet her in person some day soon. :-)

Busy Weekend

I wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful comments about my first shoot. I am working on a more detailed report about it, but I am a little tied up this weekend. :-)

Family filled holiday things have approached faster than I thought! So I wanted to drop a message here to wish you all a great holiday weekend, and I will have my post up as soon as I can. Also, over on the right, I've put up a link for my new Formspring account. There you can ask me any dirty question you would like, and be anonymous! ;-) I will try and answer them within a day of receiving them. Of course, I should emphasize again that any comments left here on my posts are GREATLY appreciated, and I love reading and responding to each one. Happy early 4th!