I've heard mixed opinions regarding whether or not a spanking is equally beneficial to both the Top and the bottom. In other words, if a spankee receives a spanking from her Top, should she then return the favor somehow, to show her appreciation?
I can see both sides. Spanking does tend to be a little one sided. The Spanker is the one taking control, doing the spanking, giving the lecture, being caring and supportive with the aftercare. It's a lot of work! Meanwhile, the spankee does what is asked of her (in some cases), maybe struggles, gives in, feels the release, gives over her trust to the one spanking her. It may seem like she's getting the better deal. But then again, those who enjoy giving spankings crave giving that support and receiving that trust just as much as we spankees enjoy it the other way, don't they?
I do like to show my appreciation to those who have given me so much, spanked me in just the way I needed it, and were there for me afterwards. I really don't mind showing this verbally, or giving them a back rub or back scratch (Spankers I have encountered really freakin' love their back scratches. Anyone else notice that?). I do this of my own accord, and because I feel close to them and genuinely appreciate what they've done for me. That being said, I do not like the feeling of obligation that may come with that. It somewhat cheapens the experience for me if I am expected to give something in return for receiving a spanking. I think that both parties are able to get something out of TTWD, and maybe we can just leave it at that. :-)
What do you think? When is it necessary to show your appreciation for your Spanker, or for your spankee? Do both people in the dynamic benefit equally, albeit in different ways?
And speaking of appreciation, I really do value those of you who choose to keep coming back to read my blog, and comment. You guys are my motivation to keep posting. :-)
I don't have a ton of experience, but to me, the answer may depend on context. The best analogy I've found for social spanking is dancing. The spanker asks the spankee if she'd care to be spanked, and if she says yes they do the spanking, and afterwards they both thank each other, and that's it. For both of them, the experience was the only reward they sought or expected. Or, if it's a role play spanking, there may not even be thank yous -- just a last bit of lecture from the top, and, when the bottom is safely up off his lap, a stuck-out tongue and a "Didn't even hurt!" as one last bit of bratting. At the other end of the scale, I suppose a spanking from a Master may be something his slave is expected to thank him for, since it's a form of attention ("Thank you for allowing me to serve you; I hope I pleased you"). In erotic spanking, the spanking is foreplay, so I guess if the sex is the mutual "thank you," whether the spanker gets more out of it than the spankee depends on how well the encounter goes for both of them.
ReplyDeleteBut I have never felt a spankee owed me anything afterwards. I consider getting to spank someone to be a privilege; I HOPE she's enjoying it as much as (albiet in a very different way than) I am, but even if she is I still figure if either of us is the recipient of a favor, it's me. The main thanks I hope for is being told I did a good job.
Michael
I have no experience with spanking outside an intimate relationship, so maybe my feelings are not that relevant. There's always been an intimate connection that works for both of us. The spanking is an event that happens naturally because of circumstances that dictate that it happen. The connection could be strictly sexual, and the circumstances could be only because spanking turns us on, but my kink is that I'm attracted to scenes where a spanking is needed for discipline or some release or catharsis for her. In this case, I can't imagine ever feeling I'm getting less out of it than she is. I'm the disciplinarian, she's the one being disciplined and, as two, we make the relationship needed. The feelings I derive from the experience probably can't be measured against hers, but they don't need to be. I'm getting what I want out of it because she's getting what she needs out of it. Whatever appreciation we show for each other is motivated by honest feelings, and there are no obligations beyond respect.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't really thought about a "show of appreciation" like you describe, Sophie, so I've had no such expectation. If she communicates that the experience was just what she needed, that's the best satisfaction if she's being honest. I think if you feel close to the spanker after he's spanked you, and you feel like you want to rub or scratch his back, then that's a beautiful moment, and a sweet gesture from a very sweet girl. If it was something "in the contract" between spanker and spankee, it would lose much of that beauty.
I believe that a display of gratitude is contextually dependent on the dynamic of the couple and the motivation for the spanking.
ReplyDeleteWith a submissive, the idea that she has done something which genuinely displeases someone she looks up to is a source of tremendous guilt for her. Her Dominant does not "owe" her the release from that guilt, he chooses to release her out of his affection for her. There is not much that he gains from this other than the "clearing of the air" gained by her release.
If the spanking is simply given because the spanker is horny and wants some round cheeks to redden, then the experience is motivated entirely by his prospective benefit. In this situation, even if she does enjoy the spanking, no gratitude need be given.
The reason I feel that displays of gratitude are contextually obligatory is because the spankee can lose perspective on what the spanker gives her. It is a very easy thing to slide into the selfishness of "I was just punished but at least I feel better now" without acknowledging the spanker's efforts. It also (despite what manly men might prefer you to think) does a great deal for the spanker to know that his efforts are recognized and appreciated.
The demonstration of gratitude is not simply a "quid pro quo" arrangment or a barter system of actions. It is a mutually beneficial exchange wherein both acknowledge what the other one does for them. In my opinion, it's one of the most important post-spanking activities.
Revelation!!!
ReplyDeleteThis Is Incredible. Ever Since I Was A Small Child I've Been Immensely Fond Of Having My Back Scratched. I'll Have It Go-On For Several Hours When/If I Persuade My Partner To Carry It That Far. It Seems To Send Me Into A Kind Of Hypnotic/Sedated-Trance State(Or Maybe Something Similar To A Morphine~Dream). It's Also True That I've Always Been The Dominant Party In Interpersonal Relationships(Even With Members Of My Own Family). I Had Always Thought Of Myself As A "Lone Wolf" Until You Mentioned That(Brilliant) Observation Here In This Thread* * *
Sophie wrote:
ReplyDelete"Spanking does tend to be a little one sided. The Spanker is the one taking control, doing the spanking, giving the lecture, being caring and supportive with the aftercare."
I'll agree with the first sentence, but not the rest of the quote.
I've had extensive experience as a spanker, and in my encounters I have ALWAYS believed that the girl across my lap is the one "in control."
One girl, in fact, gave me directions on how to spank, how many swat to give her, when to start and when to stop. Of course, I would always do as I was asked. It's her bottom that's taking the punishment, so it's only fair that she set the ground rules.
That has never stopped me from giving firm, fair, HARD spankings; but the girls always have that magic word: "Mercy!" to use any time they are getting too much punishment.
Dan
Envy...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.firmhandspanking.com/fhpre/legal_f_pre.wmv
I Hope Ms. McGowan Showed Some Appreciation* * *
Yes, showing appreciation is definitely a good idea to encourage your top to keep those spankings coming. Besides saying "Thank you", back scratches and also head scratches are big in our house.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hermione
Sophie the spanker should be pleased to have a lovely spankee otk .,love and spanks ,tim xxx
ReplyDeleteWould you think about making a little card for Mr. M after the scenes at Realspankings?
ReplyDeleteMichael-
ReplyDeleteI love the dancing analogy and feel that it is very accurate. Of course, the appreciation aspect is definitely different in public play settings and private scenarios as well. I am glad to hear that you enjoy giving spankings just as much as people like me enjoy receiving them! And yes, showing appreciation can also come in a simple form, such as letting the Spanker know how much it was enjoyed.
Brett-
Your feelings are always relevant! And I am like you in that I crave the discipline scenes the most, where it is an intense experience ending in a needed release of guilt or anxiety. I'm glad to hear that the satisfaction you get from giving that release is so strong. Yes- a contract would negate a lot of the beautiful intent when showing appreciation.
Malignus-
I completely agree, and thank you for the well written response. The dynamic of the Spanker and spankee can differ to the point where it is difficult to make a generalization about any aspect of spanking. I do still believe that spankings can be one sided at times, especially when it is given for the spankee to feel better, and the Spanker does not necessarily get as much out of that emotionally. Then, a submissive would feel very justified in offering reciprocation somehow.
Anon-
Haha, well, there you go, maybe it's another trait present in the spanking gene!
Dan-
I suppose it is true that the spankee is ultimately the one in control, and has the right to stop the spanking at any time. However, if the Spanker is someone whom I trust and know well, I do not like to have that control. It takes away quite a lot of the experience for me. Thanks for the comment. :-)
Hermione-
Yes, we definitely want to encourage those Spankers to keep doing what they do. :-) Thanks for the comment, and hugs back!
Tim-
I agree. :-)
Anon-
Hmm, there's an idea. I do appreciate the opportunity Mr. M has given me, and I will make it a point to mention that to him.
Little late on this one... but what a great topic! May "borrow" it sometime... ;)
ReplyDeleteEvery spanking dynamic is different. Some spankers don't even get a hug after and they're totally fine with that... and then on the other side of the spectrum, some get a sexual favor... and then everything in-between those two extremes. None of it is 'wrong'... it's whatever works for spanker and spankee. Thing is though, everyone has to be ~honest~ about what it is they're looking for.
If a spanker wants more than the spanking... he needs to express that (outside of the actual spanking scene). If a spankee is open to and okay with more than being spanked, she needs to express that. Get on the same page, and it's all good.
btw... a back or neck rub after giving a spanking is a great treat. It is a very sweet thank you... and it feels great. Can't imagine too many spankers saying no thanks to that!
:)
~Todd & Suzy
americanspankingsociety.com
For me, the simple fact that a girl wants me to put her over my knee, bare her bottom and give her a good spanking is reward enough. Hopefully, she enjoys what I'm doing as much as I enjoy doing it (assuming it's not a real punishment) and we both end up happy with the outcome at the end.
ReplyDeleteI would always hope for a hug at the end, because to me it's a great way to "close the loop" on the scene. Anything beyond that is certainly appreciated, but never expected.
Great question Sophie! In my opinion, I think that a thank you (the more formal the better) is an excellent touch. It may not be in the dynamics of all couples to do so but, at least for those that have a strong foundation in personal development it brings an excellent protocol of communication and feedback to things. All true what others have posted about the rewards of the spanker being within the desire of being a guiding hand but, in a truly dynamic top/bottom relationship the giving needs to be realized on both ends. The sensation of the spank itself is the point on the pencil of the words and "wisdom" given to the spankee. That separates out the sensation itself and the true gift so, should the spankee not return the "gift" in a thanks?
ReplyDeleteComing to this very late, but fascinated both by your original post and the excellent subsequent discussion.
ReplyDeleteThe issue of "who's in control" is a really interesting one. As a top, I totally *get* the comment that the bottom has the ultimate (or perhaps 'initial' control) - she has to make the choice that it's OK to be spanked. But your comment is very perceptive, in that in many cases, the spankee has to feel that she can abandon that sense of 'control' whilst the scene progresses, otherwise it just won't work for her.
I touched on vaguely similar issues in our most recent SpankingCast (podcast) which came out yesterday, if you're interested:
http://spankingcast.com/spanking-cast-episode-9-informed-consent/
But I'm sure I'll ponder this more. Thanks for such a thought-provoking thread.